Dear Straight Male Friends and Acquaintances,
This has been bothering me for a while, and I haven’t figured out a way to say this elegantly, so I’m just going to say it:
I am not your territory to claim.
Almost six months ago I started going out to bars, clubs, and music venues regularly again. The last time I went out regularly, I lived in Pennsylvania (State College, Pennsyltucky), and it was a college town just like where I live now. I’m a lot older and the culture is a lot different here. Guys are more forward up North (both a blessing and a curse). Here in North Carolina, people are much more aware of the territory boundaries in social settings. I’ve yet to see guys challenge each other over women in any gathering here in NC. So if I’m out with a straight male friend, it makes it more difficult to strike up conversations with other men.
As my straight male friend or acquaintance, don’t fucking do things that give others the impression that we are together. When you have a few drinks and you get chummy and put your arm around me, or if you play cute and try to get me to dance, or if you hug me from behind when I’m watching the band play or waiting at the bar for my drink, you’re claiming me. You’re putting out a signal to every other guy in the place that had any inclination to talk to me that I am territory that you have claimed. Furthermore, because American culture is fucked up, you can claim me, and then go chat up a bunch of other girls in the joint and no one would have an issue with it. If I do the same thing after you’ve claimed me, guys will not want to talk to me, or they will assume that I’m loose, because I’m up in more than one guy’s business.
I have very little personal space, and I’m a hugger. It is not in my nature to push people away, but I am going to start putting up physical boundaries specifically for my straight male friends and acquaintances, because you’re holding me back and preventing me from meeting new people.
Let me illustrate how you fucking kill my game:
Straight male friend and I are watching some live music and having drinks at a bar. I see a guy that I find interesting, so I make eye contact, and we exchange smiles and nods. Maybe 30 minutes later, interesting guy comes closer (less than 3’ from me) and we exchange greetings, more smiles, and an appreciative nod to the band. Straight male friend sits down on the other side of me, and puts his arm around me, and gives me the stupid flirty smile. For the rest of the night, interesting guy will not get within 10’ of me, will not make eye contact, and finally disappears into the crowd.
This actually happened, and I haven’t been to a bar or club with this friend since. I don’t have plans to either, because he is arrogant, is very cognizant of his man-prettiness, and gives off a territorial vibe. It’s guys like him that always have that awesome female friend that is perpetually single, and can’t figure out why said friend is single.
Just take a minute and think about what you’re about to do before you do it. If you’re out with your single lady friend, don’t drape yourself over her if you’re not interested in her! It’s just that simple. She’s not your possession, so don’t treat her like one.
Thanks,
-Your friendly neighborhood biracial chick with a righteous afro
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I write my grocery lists on myself. World’s largest sticky note. (Taken with instagram)
feurety replied to your post: How Do I Hide the Stupid From My Facebook Feed?
I wish there was a way to filter certain posts and not just hide everything on facebook.
And if you start hiding too many things, you run the risk of missing something important. Despite the fact that I’ve hidden several pages that people are sharing information from, there’s no way for me to filter out their shares as well without essentially muting them. Meh.
Facebook raises my blood pressure. I friended the vast majority of the people on there for a reason. Most of them are real meatspace friends from various points in my life. Some are cyberspace friends who I thought were worth my time. I don’t want to un-friend more people than I do on a regular basis, but unless I learn to hide the stupid from my feed, that may be my only option.
There are a few things that are pissing me off to no end, and I suppose you could lump it all together and call it a lack of netiquette.
If I called you up and screamed at you for no good reason, you’d be pissed. Why is it OK for you to assault me with your drivel? If I called you at the same time everyday and asked you to do something as a favor to me even after you’ve done it (in some cases several times), you’d be pissed. Why is it OK for you to bludgeon me with the same message over and over again?
I guess if I could filter the stupid from Facebook, I could find a way to filter it from life too, and make a mountain of money with that bit of genius.
lafemmedanslafrisbeedelamort replied to your photo: I can’t believe I’m drinking PBR. This is for my…
PBR will always remind me of college and Seattle. Lol
Every sip was like hot buttered hell, but I paid for it, so I finished it. :)
I kept it real, chica!
So you’re unemployed (or soon to be unemployed) with no job prospects, and you drop several hundred dollars on gadgetry and toys to make yourself feel better.
So I saw Dan “Soupy” Campbell from The Wonder Years drop this bit of wisdom on Twitter, and I had to share it an expand on it from my POV. Before I start, I just wanted to say that while I enjoyed both Wonder Years albums (“Upsides” was better in my opinion), I don’t consider myself a “fan,” but I think he occasionally drops knowledge worth thinking about, and this is a good bit.
At any rate, I see what Soupy’s talking about here all the time with the Gen-Y kids I’ve spent time with. Something goes wrong, and despite the fact that kiddo could do some research and fix it, they just shut down and get mad. They don’t want to problem solve. They don’t want to do the leg work. They don’t want to research anything. They don’t want to think for themselves. They just seek the path of least resistance, which in this case was acting like an infant, and whining for sympathy.
Life is a series of challenges and obstacles for people to surmount. If you don’t even want to TRY, guess what, you fail at life. This is why all of the pissing and moaning I hear from the Y-ers makes my blood boil. For every one of them that are out there giving a good hustle, and trying to make a decent living (I know a handful), there are hundreds of them sitting around wearing their sense of entitlement like a warm blanket.
Guess what, your mere existence doesn’t entitle you to anything. Shut up, get off your ass, and go out and hustle like the rest of us. No one wants to hear how sad you are, because you can’t find your perfect job, or work in the field you got your degree in. No one wants to hear how angry you are, because things didn’t go your way and your plans didn’t pan out. Maybe if you spent less time bitching about how things didn’t go your way, and spent more time problem solving to MAKE things go your way, you you could help make the world a better place. For now, I agree with Soupy. You are a BIG part of the problem.
Here is a test to know if you have Bad taste in music. Go turn on the radio & if you find good music there you have bad taste in music.
Amen.
So I’m slowly catching up with all things domestic. I also managed to sell both the Canon 7D and BlackBerry 9800 I posted about here. That money will put a significant dent in what I owe on the 5D Mark III and the other gear I bought.
My next big move is to clean and rearrange the furniture, and make a REALLY serious attempt to sell my comic book collection this time. I love my comics, but I’m cool with graphic novels, and I’d like to reclaim the rest of my bedroom.
I have a ton of pics from three shows to go through, and I’m trying to decide whether or not to haul butt to Charlotte to see Carson and The Seasonal Affair next Friday. We shall see.