Geekspertise

The Aforementioned Purported Negro

I actually signed a post on Google+ with that line today. Seriously.

I started my day with racist hate mail. The guy who wrote it felt that I had no right to think for myself, date who I want, or say what I want. Since I am black, I am supposed to (fill in the blank with a bunch of racist, sexist, and degrading shit) according to this genius. It set me off in a bad way.

I get hate mail on dating sites, Tumblr (well at least before I turned off Anonymous), and a bunch of other sites that I use. I’m used to it. Racist hate mail sets me off in a completely different way, because it triggers both my anxiety (which is expected) and my depression (which sucks miserably). Furthermore, this particular piece of hate mail came from someone who identifies as Black.

The vast majority of the hate mail I get comes from Black people. I got hate mail when I started to grow my hair out naturally and stopped relaxing it. I get hate mail for the way I do my makeup and hair in pictures, and I’m regularly accused of trying to look white. I’ve gotten hate mail about the kinds of music I listen to, because it’s not black enough.

Racist hate mail from other people who identify as Black triggers insecurities about my identity. I’m mixed (Black + White) of Caribbean heritage, and I’ve experienced rejection from every direction:

I don’t look Caucasian enough, so I don’t exactly get embraced by the White community.
I have been accused of not being Black enough by other Black people, and it never feels authentic when I act/speak Black.
Since I’m of Caribbean descent, Black people of American descent don’t always embrace me.
Black people raised in the Caribbean don’t really see me as authentically Black or authentically Caribbean.

So yeah, I get rejected from all sides, and hate mail from other Black people tends to bring all of that back up for me. So needless to say, I’ve been in a bad head space all day.

I know that I am a lightly toasted cracker, but there’s no need to send me hate mail to remind me of something I’m well aware of.

But the one thing I wanted to say is that the Lovely Man not only had my back in a big way, but put aside his own issues that he wanted to talk about, because he didn’t want to burden me tonight. It was both sweet and very classy, and I’m really lucky to still have him around.