Geekspertise

The Agony of Being Squelched

I don’t work in a creative field (IT), but as a writer I live with one foot in the land of creativity. I also work for state government, so I censor myself a lot, both in meatspace and online. I am not just talking about words. My deeds, my thoughts, and my actions are all run through a filter that I’m not even always conscious of. Since I only spend about half of my time in creative spaces, being squelched exhausts me mentally and physically, and only serves to make me angry.

I take that anger, and I use it to fuel my creative projects. I struggle with the exhaustion, but my creative endeavors replenish my energy. There is nothing quite like taking a great photo, writing a heartfelt essay, or designing a great webpage.

I had a friend who lives entirely in the creative spaces (writing and music). He has no filter. He says what he thinks, and he means what he says, everyone else be damned. He pursued a career in the creative space, because that’s where he thought he belonged, and that’s where he thought he could express himself freely.

The business side of being creative is one that destroys the humanity in people. I’ve watched an energetic, funny, wildly creative person suffer the agony of being squelched. I’ve watched an eloquent, self-assured person get systematically picked apart and broken down. All over money.

For someone who exists entirely in creative spaces, the definition of agony is to have what to wear, what to say, and how to act dictated to them. Suffering all of that for a paycheck is soul-crushing, and must cause unimaginable mental and emotional scars.

It hurts me to witness all of this, because it could just as easily be me. I could be the starving writer having words put in my mouth by money-grubbing editors, and be told what to say and how to dress by a smarmy manager. Life put me on a different path, and has both blessed and cursed me by making me spend half my life outside of the land of creativity. I feed my body by slinging techno-babble, and I feed my heart with my camera, my pen, and my Mac.

I now know that all attempts to make a living in the creative space should be approached with caution. Anyone who wants to monetize my creativity should not be taken at face value.

I’ve learned a lot watching this person’s story play out, and I hope that once this chapter of his life ends he will heal and find the way back to the person he was before all of this.